I wrote this before Rosh HaShana, but did not have time to post it with all the holiday preparations, so I'm posting it now, post holiday, at a time that seems more appropriate for the topic as well.
Life by nature includes both happiness and sadness, or in some cases overwhelming sadness which is grief. While grief is generally associated with death, we grieve many different “losses”. The loss of a job, divorce, separation, the loss of a home or other possessions or even the absence of certain elements that we think are necessary to make us “whole” can also cause grief. I truly hope you do not have grief, but maybe you know someone who does, that you can help with this information. Whatever the source of the grief, learning to deal with it is necessary in order to move on to continue to live a happy and fulfilling life.
1. No Blame Please
While it is certainly easy to blame, we have to stop ourselves from doing so, as it is counterproductive and does not help one move into the phase of acceptance, rather it breads hate and loathing, and can certainly ruin the relationships you need most!
2. Take A Good Look At How You Are Feeling
There is a great range of emotions that comprise grief. There is sadness, fear, guilt, remorse, anger, frustration, and anxiety just to name a few. Give each of these emotions attention, and try to find someone whom you can speak with about each of them, in order to let them go. This of course is no easy task, but you can do it and over time everything will be so much better if you actively work with your emotions.
3. Do Your Best To Avoid Negativity
There is nothing worse really than having to deal with grief in the face of negativity, whether it comes from family, friends, or even co-workers. In this case, do put up a wall to avoid negativity, and do your best.
4. Look Forward And Be Open To Change
So many times tragedy changes our very identity — women who lose their spouses — suddenly become widows or even single parents. In the case of young widows, this is life-altering and places a lot more responsibility on the remaining spouse to assume responsibilities alone. If you are facing this situation — don’t be afraid to reach out for help from family members and friends. Owning your new status also means trying to let go of the past and not clinging to an old identity to keep fitting-in with the same crowd. This can lead to denial and a sense that your new situation is “less than” what it used to be.
Even though thinking about the future is painful, re-imaging your future life can help in your grieving process. Think about which dreams and ambitions you and your partner had. Are they still obtainable on your own? Even though you created these goals together, their passing doesn’t always mean you need to give up on them. Also, if your spouse had a will, were there any end-of-life wishes that they wanted you to carry out? If following through is a matter of money, and you had life insurance, selling your policy may be an option.
When your partner was alive, you both had different opinions and had to come to a peaceful resolution. You both had to be open to change and accept that you might need to change your way of thinking. Now even though you’re alone, the idea is still the same. You need to open your mind, accept that to move forward and be open to change. Know that everyone does this in their own time, so don’t think you need to rush or feel ready by a certain date. The grieving process takes time and is different for everyone. Give yourself time to hurt and work through your pain. If you have children, you should talk to them about the future and find ways to keep their dreams alive as well.
5. Eat Healthy and keep up your physical strength
Many experts agree — the death of a spouse, child, or parent is one of the most stressful life situations. Divorce, separation and permanent job-loss ranks way up there too! Physically, it is easy to go into a state of shock and numbness. Your sleep may also be affected in so many ways — leading to insomnia and more exhaustion. It is only when you care for yourself physically that you can process your losses emotionally and spiritually. In addition — nausea, headaches, changes in appetite, weight loss, are all ways your body may react to the grief and loss. Exercising and eating healthy can contribute to your overall well-being.
6. Allow your grief to be a catalyst for self growth
Grief and tragedy are usually so intense that they provide opportunities for self-reflection — and growth. Great lessons can be learned from tragedy and grief. Whether from divorce, separation or death — you now have the opportunity to decide how you want to move on — and how you can live your best life possible. What about that hobby you never found the time for? The move to another city/country you always wanted? Grief provides an opportunity for self growth because it teaches critical lessons. Lessons that are key to successful transformation. Grief will bring out the authentic YOU because it lets you face your own mortality. Life is short and meant to be well-lived! Nurturing your body soul and mind will set you back on a path to recovery and growth.
7. Ask For Help
Even if you've always been extremely independent, it’s okay to need a shoulder to lean on. Don’t feel like you need to face the future alone. In addition to family and friends, there are support groups that were created by women in your position. They understand the roller coaster of emotions you’ve been going through, so they can sympathize in ways that your family may not be able to. You can also speak to a therapist for additional advice and ways to move forward without feeling like you’re leaving your loved one behind. If you have discovered through this experience that there are things you hope will go differently for your loved ones once your time comes, plan how to make this hope a reality. Perhaps you need to consider life insurance or edit your current will. Maybe you want to relocate or downsize your home. Regardless now that you have some tangible information under your belt you should use it to place your current, and future self, in the best possible position.
Wishing everyone a shanah tovah, a new year filled with blessings and good health, and no need for the information in this article!