Having “the right to choose”, and “choosing the right thing”, are in some ways two completely different ideals, which have a symbiotic relationship. We assume that people who have the right to choose, will choose a good thing. That, however, has to do with the way a person is raised. Was he raised to be able to differentiate between good and bad, and right from wrong? Was the “good” in his life something he was taught to appreciate? Or was the “bad” more action packed and interesting? Being “good” is not always intrinsically exciting or fulfilling, especially if the culture or peer group in which one lives does not condone it. Choosing the right way to do something, or a righteous political party, or a moral type of life, or the desire to be good, is challenging. However, a child that is taught by example that doing good things and wanting goodness for the sake of the world are exciting and exhilarating will choose the right way. And he will ultimately realize that these ideals not only bring out a person’s potential but also make him/ her happy.
Does every parent dream about the day when his or her children will grow up to become compassionate, selfless, loving, caring and responsible? Not necessarily. That they will listen when you speak to them, and even do what you want them to do without even being asked? That is more likely. The “listen to me and do what I want you to” can be achieved in two ways: either through repression and tyranny, where by training the child that he has no choice but to obey, for fear of retribution or punishment (through parental humiliation, screaming, threatening or physical consequences); or through education, where by the child chooses to do the right thing because he was taught to care and feel for others, to be honest or to have self-control, all within proper borders (through parental role modeling of how to act and explaining the magnificent reasons why a person should do good things.) We usually train animals. That children are able to make choices that are more virtuous and develop their human potential is because of the parents educating them, not training them. Children ultimately do what the parents want of them because of their attachment and love for them. Developing their connection with us is part of raising our children to have refined character traits. Respecting their parents, and honoring them, becomes even natural when a parent serves as the proper role model for the exact behaviors he educates his child in.
There have been studies made of families in the world who had several generations of criminals in the family line. The studies found that approval of negative behaviors was the norm in the dynamic between these family members: a big smile and a pat on the back for a good shoplifter, a family-wide “toast” in a bar after an excellent robbery. As bizarre as this behavior seems to most people, in these families, this is how the children were made to feel strong and self-confident—thereby “repeat offenders” were commonplace in these families. Obviously, the ideals that these dysfunctional families have for their children are a far cry from the ideals and goals that normal, moral parents have for their children. But are we actually motivating our children at least as much, when they do good things in the world, act refined in their personal relationships, and act appropriately at home? Do they feel self-confidence and satisfaction when they help others, or when they give of their time and energy for doing good for the world and for their family? Oddly enough, the answer is usually, “no”. No “toasts” for exerting self-control over what one says to others when upset. No smiles and pats on the back when giving several dollars to a homeless person. If what we want is a generation of “repeat do-gooders” with all the enthusiasm and motivation that it takes to retain that self-image, then the parents of this generation have to invest the time and thought for that to happen.
“Greet every person with a pleasant facial expression”. This lesson from Pirke Avos is discussed in many sources. What is expected of a person who follows in the ways of the Torah is to present a mild expression, even a soft smile in many circumstances, that says to the world that you are not here to take, but to give. Your face is not completely your own private property, as one might assume, but is assigned the role of public property—you are the only person in the world that cannot see your own face, and therefore you are not so affected by your own facial expression. Everyone else, however, is. If your colleagues at work, or your family, or the grocer all seem perturbed or upset, perhaps you should reflect on how your facial expression affects them. Look in a mirror to see those knitted eyebrows, frustrated glance, or angry look, and how it might affect the people around you. Retaining a soft smile means that our children, neighbors and colleagues are constantly uplifted just by seeing us, as opposed to being pulled downward. Just by a pleasant facial expression. A smattering of pleasant humor also adds to that gravitational pull towards us. These things make everything we say or do more kind, more acceptable. Most of all-- it makes our children listen to us and be able to follow instructions quickly, softly and enthusiastically. It makes them love being near you and to want to learn from you. Your approval and positivity is what is motivating them to internalize the good. Your smile is what makes them feel self-confident and strong.
According to our tradition, self-control is part and parcel of developing our greatness. Modeling self-control helps others respond in kind. At some point the unexpected occurs—your children start to care about you and what you need. Even at a young age. That means that our investment in our own self as role model for our children and in giving goodness to others comes back to us with dividends. And that is eternal—because our children will follow this model when they themselves become parents, reclaiming our tradition of raising refined, Jewish families.
THIS MONTH: The month of Adar is a time of joyousness in the Jewish world. It is a month of smiles and laughter, but only if we will it to be so. Tap into the simcha-energy and upgrade yourself and your family dynamic. You might find that in the end, “He who laughs---lasts”.
